Hello everyone, yesterday I drank a little too much but at least this provided some clarity or if not clarity, provoked some questinos. For your information, I am still dizzy so I will use this as my excuse for bad writing.

So the night started as most such nights start with a few drinks, than a few more, one club, then another one. I felt great at the beginning as I usually do on such nights, after all it’s time to not work, to not do things that someone requires me to do, but time to “relax”, time to be happy. This feeling of supposed happiness lasted for some time, after a few drinks I started dancing with other people inside the club, yes to music that I do not like pretty much, but all the other people seemed to be in the mood and thus I had to be too. I wasn’t dancing with anyone specific, I was just around others as the others also were. Maybe a little talk here, maybe a few words there. Nothing more than the things you would expect in such a place. But isn’t that what clubs are for? You are around people, you dance, you drink, you listen to music, isn’t that fun?

Well, my main idea about writing this exact post is because I do not think that this is what we actually want, at least from my personal experience, the only experience I have access to. I think all of these interactions are just an artificial attempt to satisfy a much more fundamental need of ours. I do not want to be drinking till fading and jumping with random people, I want to belong. I do not want to kiss a random girl in a bar, I want to experience love, to recieve love and even more imporantly - to give love. These are the actual things (I do not want to call them needs, not sure why) that I miss, these are the things that I would like to achieve. But even though they are fundamental, they are quite hard to get. To experience the other person fully, to get rid of yourself for a moment and be there, be present and shrink the whole world with all of its shiny dreams and gloomy fears just to this conversation, just to this touch of a hand. I believe that such experiences are what we all want yet because they are hard to get, we try to find some easy replacements. That’s where clubbing comes, that’s where alcohol comes. Let me numb my senses, my feelings, my thoughts. Let me lie to myself that I have fun, that I feel well, that what I get is what I desire. The problem is that however stong I try to deceive myself, somewhere deep inside of me there is something that resists to accept such artificialness. And that thing there expresses its voice with the feeling of emptiness after such nights.

I will try to listen to this voice more carefully from now on. Try to see what I actually want and need, not what my surroundigs and my past experiences have made me think I want.

“It is the best poem of yours that you have let me read. And now I am giving you this copy because I know that it is important and full of new experience to rediscover a work of one’s own in someone else’s handwriting.” - Rainer Maria Rilke

I find the above beautiful.