Hello. I am not sure how to start this post so I will write whatever comes to mind. There is nothing professional here so do not expect me to read what I write and correct it afterwards. Today I experienced something painful, but I think pain doesn’t encompass all the things that happened (and will continue happening), so I think that a little bit of explaining won’t hurt (pain, hurt, I am fun, right?).

To begin, there are things that I know are harmful and I have probably not only thought about how harmful they are, but I have written to myself multiple times that these things are just a waste of time at best and at worst, they harm me in some way or another. I am talking about the moments when I try to make the party “fun” by drinking too much, or when I scroll past stupid videos. I can even say that I do not enjoy watching those videos, neither do I enjoy having headache and being unable to wake up in the morning. Also, try to remember the last time you were consuming mindlessly some type of content, do you remember? I would guess no. Yet even with all those things clear, I still engage in the above activities, this illogical behavior of mine got me thinking “WHY” do I still continue to actively harm myself.

After some time of self observation, I came to some conclusions, although I do not think that they are final. They are at least in the right direction, or at least they seem so. So, most of the time I feel rather OK, I function normally and do the chores I have to do without much of resistance. Yet there are moments in which SOMETHING happens and I feel really unwell. The first thing was to understand what this something that triggers the problematic situation is. Quite often it is not really clear, but most of the time it is something of the sort of missing past times, missing a person or the engagement with them, feeling like I have wasted my life up until now and the like. Now, where in my opinion is the interesting thing. I believe that quite a lot of our desires are not actually ours, but are imposed on us by society as an additional layer over something real. What I mean by this is that maybe we do not really long this party or that friend group, maybe we miss the feeling of being with someone who makes us feel understood and seen. Quite often we might find that if we look closely at our feelings (which is something that can be trained in my opinion, when a feeling happens to come, followed by the urge to do something, try not to act and complete the urge but just stay with it, observe it, do not think at first about what it is or why it is, just look at it, look at how it makes you feel bodily, does it hurt in the stomach, does it squeeze the chest or any other bodily sensation that comes), they are real but first, they the first thing that comes to mind is not what will actually resolve them, but is the thing that will suspend them most rapidly. What I mean is, when you are alone and you feel that loneliness creeping from behind the door, don’t just rush past it outside to meet with people that you might actually not really like, or to go to a club that you might actually not really enjoy, just stay in the room and observe this little creature that is creeping. It hurts, really hurts, but isn’t that threatening and you can be with it for some time. In fact, you might learn something from it. I learnt that what I need is real human connection and that things like blasting music in my headphones or scrolling through worthless videos isn’t because I like any of those, but it’s because they make that little creature disappear. What happens after some time though? The creature comes, and it comes bigger and harder to ignore. And it grows and grows until it becomes unbearable.

So what was the whole point of this? I wanted to read something on the topic, yet I was unable to find such thing, so I decided that I will share my own personal experience. And if there should be something to conclude with, the next time when you feel sad, sit, breathe and say hello to that monster, share a few words, maybe drink a cup of tea. No need to stay with it for hours especially at the beginning, start with little. I myself am just a beginner in this whole process. Also, if you decide that you want a reading from someone who can actually express eloquently his thoughts, give “Letters to a young poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke a read.